“Portrait of Emily=Dick-in-son (Thanks, Dad!)”

8.5x11 in.  Pen, colored pencil, childhood abuse & gender dysphoria on computer paper carried around for days.

Price: I put a lot of shit in here for you to look at. A lot more than I had to. That costs money. $17,000

“A Visual Representation of the Lower Left Hand Corner of My Orgasm During Anal Sex”

8.5x11  Colored pencil, pen, marker, crayon (stolen from Applebees) on computer paper.

Woo, it’s hard to put a price on this one. I’m only giving you ¼ of the experience so I guess $18,000 sounds fair.

“Made a Pinky Promise with the Clown of Death Now He’s Laughing at All Your Tumors”

Colored pencil, markers, ink, crayon, the usual crap on standard business envelope

Price: Termites ate it so you’ll have to buy the whole colony: $36,000.  Add .50 if you want envelope stamped with first-class postage (advised).

“A Visual History of Everything I’ve Learned So Far”

8x10  Pen, marker, colored pencil, crayon on paper.

I don’t mind saying, you’ll pay through the nose for this one. If I can even find it. I might have mailed it off to someone at some point. Who the fuck knows?

Price: $50,000

"Oh Gosh, I Hope He Catches Me!!!"

Size variable. Can be made as big as your house if need be.

Computer-colored drawing on card-stock. I don't think there is an original, if that makes any sense.

Price: Life after death, maybe? 

“Gestapo Rooster Wants All Your Tender Chickens. Not So Fast, Says Crank the Vodoo King.”

8.5X11 Marker, colored pencil, crayon, pen, (& whatever else I happened to have with me that day) on computer paper. 

Executed at the food court while some married guy sitting with his family was perving my feet in sandals (semi-consensually).

Price: somewhere in the mid-something or others. 

Jesus is a camel

who’s invisible

but don’t try squeezing

heaven from your eye

like an olive

"Fear of Everything" Size indeterminate. Composed from virtually no materials whatsoever. Almost pure imagination. Price: Will exchange straight up for one working tugboat or an invisible talking (by telepathy only please) blue cat named Tree-Trunk

"Screw You, I Aint No Fucking Patron of the Arts" Sharpie highlighter on business reply envelope (No Postage Required). Not for Sale. Currently in the collection of the Whitney Museum of American Art

"Hi, Your Toothache Has Come to Town"

8.5x11 crap crayola colored pencils with a few Staedtlers that I must have stole from somewhere, crayons, markers, etc on computer paper. Drawn under the influence of an actual toothache!

 Price: send blank signed check to Dr. Rob Lee, DDS

Today I Ate A Dentist

The dentist laid me back

in his space age dentist’s chair 

and had me open my mouth 

really wide.

Wide, wider, widest, he said,

wide as you can go.

I heard the hinges of my jaw creak

and give way.

There, 

is that wide the fuck enough for you,

you misogynistic sadist?

I said this with my eyes, seductively, of course.

The dentist lifted one clownish size 13

and put it into my mouth.

Then he pulled the other in after it.

He said goodbye to his assistant,
who he had chastely loved all these many years, 

kissed her on the cheek,

and disappeared inside me

like he was descending into a moist manhole.

The dental assistant, a very nice Asian woman

named Pam, stared into my gaping mouth

with a look of utter astonishment.

From deep inside me we both heard

the dentist yodeling back,

“I’ve been waiting to do this all my life! 
I've tried my very best. 

Tell my wife and kids goodbye 
and good luck to you all!
That's all folks!"