=Memorial Day sissy=

Ugh. I look fat! I'm hovering somewhere around 125 pounds right now, which, I know, logically, at five-eight, isn't really overweight, but it's as heavy as I can stand myself to be…& still too heavy for my liking!

Note to self: no more chocolate cake for you, piggie!

One of the downsides of hormone replacement therapy is that you tend to gain weight, retain water, and accumulate fat. The gaining of fat isn't all bad, as that's what gives you titties, hips, & a more feminine ass. But the battle to keep weight off overall becomes never-ending. Before hormones I typically weighed between 118-123, depending on how badly I starved myself. I was pretty bony & boyish looking then, it's true, like an anorectic model (which I aspired to be), but still I miss those days when the scale read south of 120. I'm afraid they're gone forever because if I drastically under eat now I get very shaky and lightheaded.

I'm not quite as borderline anorectic as I was even five years ago—sometimes I go up to 2 or 3 days without weighing myself repeatedly—but I'm still weight-obsessed and often consider starving myself to death as a desirable thing to do for spiritual and aesthetic reasons that are way too complicated to go into here. More realistically, I'd like to lose about 3 pounds, at least to start. I can still fit into the clothes I used to have to buy in the young girl's department when I had no hips, but now it's a bit of a struggle.

Poor body image, obsession with weight, compulsive dieting, depression about never meeting some impossible, ideal standard of beauty—check, check, check, check…yep, I feel just like a  woman now!!!