=sissy diary=

i want to be a sissybaby from now on. 

No more self-assertion for me. A kind of pink fluff around everything i do and say. A wide-eyed empty gaze. When i talk, i want to say nothing. Or next to nothing. Vague. Spacey. No memory. Simple direct desires. Sensual. Easily amused. Emotional, but in an inarticulate way. No ambition, except immediate comfort and gratification. 

No will. 

No opinions. 

Why do i pretend to be anything different than i am? 

Which, when you come right down to it, is a defenseless, dependent sissy who is utterly incompetent to deal with the world. 

That's how i've always been. 

Anything else has been a charade. 

Faking it. i need to be taken care of. i need to be told what to do. 

i have no job anymore; i wouldn't even know how to go about getting one at this point. i don't even have a driver's license. i can't go anywhere or do anything without Daddy. i can't imagine what i would do without Daddy.

i want to suck my thumb in public.

i want to talk babytalk when anyone asks me anything.

People will stop talking to me then, at least they will stop expecting anything of "sense" from me.

They will stop expecting me to be an "adult"—something

i've never been equipped to be. 

There will be no pressure on me anymore. 

i want men to know they can do anything to me.

i'm defenseless. 

They can molest me at will. i'll never say anything.

They can slip their hand into my panties, stick their cocks inside me, or have me suck them off.

i won't object.

At parties, when asked what i "do," i've been saying "i'm a freelance writer." i've been saying i"used to be in publishing." Because i want to sound like a somebody, someone of some importance. Because it seems embarrassing to say that i do nothing, that i have no profession, no career. 

 But why should i be embarrassed? 

i'm a baby. i wear a diaper. i wet myself. Nothing can be more embarrassing than that and i'm not embarrassed anymore about that…or soon won't be. What i want to say from now on, when people ask me what i "do," is i want to stare back vacuously at my questioner and say "Ummmm. Nothing, i guess. i do nothing" and at the same time feel the warmth spreading across the front of my diaper as i helplessly wet myself.

Very Warholian. 

Very true.