=dear diary=

Daddy decided it was time to make me go "pop" last night. He lit a candle & an incense stick & warmed up some massage oil in his big hands. He had me slip the straps to my nightie off my shoulders, pull my hair out of the way & with me sitting up on the bed, worked the oil into my shoulders & neck. i love the feel of his strong hard hands on my throat. i can't help thinking how little it would take for him to break my skinny neck! That's a pretty perverse thing to be thinking, i guess, but i feel so deliciously vulnerable under the circumstances. i imagine him snapping my neck like a chicken, my poor naked limbs twitching & flopping around. Ever since i read William S. Burroughs's "Naked Lunch" as a teenager i've had hanging/asphyxiation fantasies, so when Daddy snaps my neck, in addition to my poor thin sissy limbs twitching around uncontrollably, my little sissyclit jerks & spurts its last droplets. i orgasm as i die—what could be better? After a time, Daddy re-oils his palms & works his hands round to my front, cupping my titties & running his thumbs teasingly around my sensitive nipples. By now, i'm total fluff in his hands. He could do anything he wants with me.

"Lay down," he says and begins working on my legs.

His hands run over & under my right thigh. The back of the thigh is one of my most sensitive erogenous zones. i would never have thought it, until Daddy discovered it—i mean, how often does a sissy get touched there? In fact, my entire leg is an erogenous zone—i'm practically swooning as he runs his oiled hands from the tops of my thighs all the way down to the tips of my toes, first one leg, then the other. i'm floating away in my imagination, fantasizing that Daddy is oiling up my body for the big family bar-b-ecue where i will star as the main course. Yes, he's preparing me to be set above a fire, slow-roasted like a piglet with an apple in my mouth. i don't know how or from where this fantasy originated but it's one i've had for a long, long time—as far back as i can remember. i suspect it originates in some desperate need to be loved & accepted—even if that is symbolized by being cooked & eaten by my family! There's obviously a great deal of sadism involved in this fantasy—their love is conditional & dependent upon me being of "use" to them even if it's just as a victim of their torture—as well as masochistic self-sacrifice—but the "ecstasy" of being consumed equates in my imagination to finally being fully accepted as good for something in the eyes of these people who otherwise disapprove of me and the whole trauma/drama is sexualized, leading to the ultimate orgasm. Daddy involuntarily contributes to this fantasy when he works my panties down my well-oiled legs & inserts first one, then two of his thick fingers into my sissypuss. In my imagination, he's filling me with stuffing for the bar-b-cue. My belly distends in a cute, little-girl way. Family & friends come by to see how I'm "coming along." "She'll be ready for the coals in no time," Daddy reports. "Great," says a brother-in-law. "I'm starved." He peers over Daddy's shoulder. "She sure looks tasty!" He gives my oiled nipple a good pinch. I wince at the pain & smile.

Daddy is diddling my little sissyclit by now and the fantasies are coming fast & furious, an archive of erotic fragments, flipping passed as if they were printed on a rolodex left out in a hurricane—leashed & paraded down a crowded street by a black man, castrated by my ex-girlfriend's lover while she watches approvingly, raped by a biker gang….Daddy stops for a moment & i moan, arch my back & stiffen my legs, toes doubling under with sexual tension. ohhhhhhh…..i moan. Daddy moistens my sissyclit with a touch of his tongue and after an excruciating moment of suspense resumes playing with me. Whatever he's doing down there is driving me crazy. His touch is light, teasing, fleeting, and firm. i lie with my hands beside my face, wrists out, palms up. i lick my lips. i toss my head. "Suck your thumb baby," Daddy instructs. He's still got his fingers inside my oiled-up sissypuss & i spread myself out wider, opening myself so he can penetrate me deeper. "You like that don't you baby," Daddy says, "you like to be fucked, don't you, you hot little slut." "Oh yes Daddy, yes." "Say it." "i love to be fucked, Daddy. Fuck me, fuck me Daddy." "I'll fuck you baby. Open up for Daddy." i can feel my sissypuss closing around his fingers, drawing him deeper and deeper inside me. Meanwhile, his thumb as found just the right place on my sissyclit. i know i'm going to cum, it's going to happen, oh please just don't let him stop now!!!

"You want to cum, baby?" he asks, tormenting me.

"Oh yes please Daddy."

"Ask me for it then."

"Please Daddy, let me make a cummy."

"Again baby. I can't hear you. Beg me for permission to make your dummy."

"Please please please daddy, let sissy make a cummy."

"What will you do if I let you cum?"

"Anything you want Daddy."

"That's what I like to hear, baby. Keep sucking that thumb."

God, whatever he's doing to my sissyclit ought to be copyrighted. i'm going insane with the need to make a cummy. Moaning & thrashing, sucking my thumb like i'm deep-throating a cock, i'm so so so so close...

Daddy can tell. He can play me like a maestro. Not even i know my body as well as he does. "Go ahead baby. Make your sissy cummy. Don't forget to kick those pretty little sissy feet of yours. That's it, baby. That's it. Come for Daddy…"

At this point, there's nothing left to say, no words to describe it…i practically black out with the intensity of my long-delayed orgasm. When the last of the after-spasms recede, i'm wrung out, boneless, barely able to move. i feel like i'm underwater, lying at the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean, miles & miles & miles from the surface, drowned in pleasure. i have no desire whatsoever to return to the world. It's as if i can breathe underwater—or maybe i don't need to breathe at all anymore. i'm shipwrecked & sunk. If I never returned to whatever i once called my life from where i am at this moment it would be fine with me.

When i'm finally able to talk, i say, "Thank you Daddy. Thank you thank you thank you."

Daddy chuckles, always amused by the power he has over me, his little sex puppet. "You're welcome baby."

"i love you, Daddy" i sigh.

"I love you too, baby. Now I want you to do what good little sissygirls are good for. Suck my cock."