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In these last two weeks I’ve come to realize what has always held me back
from getting gender reassignment surgery. The real reason! And it comes as somewhat of a surprise, especially to me. I don’t want to be a woman! Instead,
I want be an ultra-feminized sissy. I want to be a boy-toy pansy. I can’t help
it. Being a sissy makes me feel alive. It’s what turns me on sexually. It’s who
I feel I am. I get too much pleasure from the humiliation, the kinkiness, the
objectification of myself as a sex object to ever give that up. I’m hopelessly
addicted to the rush of it. Even if I could be “cured” of it, I don’t want to
be. It’s who I am! Whatever life I would have as a “normal” woman could never
be as exciting.
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If humiliation were your thing, wouldn't it be the ultimate humiliation to get SRS? I feel it would to look down at yourself yourself and seeing a void and a vagina there, knowing that you used to be a guy :/
ReplyDeleteno, i don't think so. only because to be a "regular" girl down there would place me in the mainstream, conforming to society's gender binary. I'd be a "woman" to all intent & purpose, even in the legal sense & i don't find being a woman to be a humiliating proposition at all—just the opposite. Women are extremely powerful. Sissies are not. Women are seen as equals to men. Sissies are considered equal to noone. As i am now, i belong nowhere. i'm neither male nor female. There's always the "humiliation" of having to admit to medical professionals, security personnel, issuers of official documents like passports, etc, that despite appearances to the contrary, i have "male" genitalia; not only was i born "male," but i have "male" parts. Furthermore, by retaining "male" genitalia that don't function any longer in the way in which they were intended to function furthers my humiliation in sexual situations (if my lovers chooses to make it a point of humiliation, which they often do).
Deletei strongly suspect—since i'm so body phobic, so prone to anxiety & panic attacks & their dissociative phenomenon—that gender reassignment surgery —while normalizing me in society's eyes—would have a deleterious effect on my psychological state. By carving me up and re-wiring me, i would be even further alienated from what i've always felt to be an alien situation—that is, being in a body at all.
that said, i'd do it in a heartbeat if my husband wanted me to do it. The fact is, he considers me to be more of a "sex-object" as i'm currently constructed. In his opinion, if i were to have the surgery, i'd be more or less just like any other girl. What makes me unique, i'd lose in SRS.
Actually, living outwardly as a woman as i do now, i have more self-confidence & self-esteem than i ever had as a "man." Having no penis wouldn't be at all a humiliation…i always thought it ill-suited to me, ugly, and i try not to look at it if i can help it. Hormones have rendered it less offensive to me. And my partner prefers i keep it. The complications of SRS scare me; they don't seem humiliating to me, and i'd rather be castrated if i were to undergo any surgery at all.
DeleteIronically what would cause me the most humiliation now would be to have to buzz-cut my hair, stop taking hormones, grow a beard (physically impossible), dress & live again as a guy. But it wouldn't be a "good" erotic humiliation it would just be a demoralizing grinding humiliation so i'm not interested. i'd rather commit suicide instead of going back to life as a man. A near-suicide and a lifelong spiraling suicidal depression are what finally prompted me to transition in the first place.
This was explained very well, thank you.
ReplyDelete