=dear diary=

i don't remember the last time i made a cummie. At least a month ago now, i figure. Last night i thought was going to be "the" night…it was after midnight, officially our 4-year wedding anniversary. (It might still be today that i get to make a cummie, as our anniversary is all day today). Daddy was diddling me & had gotten me quite excited. He was doing something new, flicking my clittie with his thumbnail & telling me he was cutting me, making tiny cuts on my clittie. "Can you feel it," he kept asking me. And i could, actually. His nail is sharp & he was doing it very quickly & it felt like he might actually be cutting me. "What do you want sissy," he asked me. "i want you to cut me Daddy." 

He was getting pretty aggressive & his voice took on a special timbre i recognize, gruff & mean & spiteful, like it is when he's really angry & wanting to hurt someone & suddenly it didn't seem like it was all just play. 

Daddy is not ever violent with me but lately he really seems to be getting into our "play." i've had this happen before with sex-partners. It's starts out purely as role-play. But there's something about me that brings out the inner sadist in others. Something about my passivity or willingness to be hurt. Something about my inherent undiluted submissiveness. God knows what it is, exactly. i'm a pure & perfect victim, i guess.  

Daddy had been smoking weed so his inhibitions were lowered & this usually hidden side of him comes out in the open. It is genuinely a little scary because times like these i really don't know where he will stop…or if he will stop…or if i even want him to stop. Things could happen "accidentally." It's scary—and thrilling—because when i get to a certain place i feel like i want to be taken right to the end—and over the edge—to step off into empty air. i don't think i'd put up any more than the minimal struggle, probably involuntary, to stay alive. 

maybe that's what brings out the inner sadist in my lovers…the intoxicating—i guess it must be intoxicating…like alcohol or drugs i'm not susceptible to it...being the pure masochist i am—sense that they have the power of life & death over another person.