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Yesterday I traveled to Saturn and back. It took me less than two and a half hours, round-trip. The length of my stay was variable, either three years or the time it takes to butter a slice of toast. While there, I met my real parents for the first time. They hugged and kissed me and said they were very proud of me. Then I was taken to the Home Office where I was introduced to one of the associate editors to whom I’ve been sending my reports all these years. He was younger than I expected and taller and had less eyes. He told me to keep up the good work and suggested more naps. When I asked when I could return home for good he said not for a while yet. “We’ll send someone, though, when the time comes.”

“Cancer?” I asked. “Heart attack?”

He shrugged. “Not sure. We were thinking maybe a runaway hotdog cart?”

I was back at my apartment in time for lunch.

Everyone wanted to know if I saw the rings of Saturn and what they were like. At first I told them the truth, that I didn’t see the rings at all, but they seemed so disappointed that I started making up more and more elaborate descriptions just to make them happy and they were.