=The Perversities=

(for Cyndy)

“What will follow is the psychopathology of sex, relationships so lunar and abstract that people will become mere extensions of the geometries of situations. This will allow the exploration, without any taint of guilt, of every aspect of psychopathology.” 

--JG Ballard

1.

…so, yes, there are people who would love to have us together. still, i want to be the one to ruin you. nobody can handle that the way i can

hmmm...i was thinking maybe you could cut & bleach my hair & have me pierced...

these other people are just a community that will accept you and treat you as my little…

 i think most of the really freaky, sexy destructive things will be between you and me.

i've come to learn there is no shortage of sexy freaks in this area.

2.

i do have a thing for your blood. i can see craving it so much, i might bleed you every day. i'll slap your face until your pretty lip bleeds, then passionately kiss you, tasting your blood on my pink tongue. speaking of tongues, i've been thinking of having yours pierced.

i luv the idea that other people would accept us for what we are!!

i always laugh when i think of my diapered little sissykins at "work". how cute! i'm sure they take you *so* seriously, you precious pretty baby.

3.

theyd see the outward signs of what you were doing to me & theyd wonder and whisper...but only we'd know for sure....and finally only you'd know

…bite my lips until the flesh breaks, oozing blood as you kiss me, sucking my bloody tongue into your mouth and biting that too, holding me tight so i cant pull away...

...only you would know...

4.

i have a lot i'd love to share with you, if you get the notion to talk or write a bit. some of what i want to tell you is just stuff i want to complain about, but there's also hot real and fantasy stuff. i didn't sleep last night. i'm sooo tired. unfortunately i can't sleep because my shoulder hurts like crazy.

you could smack me until my mouth bleeds, or just bite

5.

they'll see the results of my influence on you- your loss of control, your diminishing use of anything but…

--honestly, you wouldn't be able to maintain your fake "normal" exterior for long.

i'm in L.A. right now.

6.

i think its so cool you told someone else about us. i like, tho, that you'd keep some things just between us :) & some things i wouldnt even completely know for sure. i luv that

baby-talk to communicate, your total dependence, all that. but they won't know the secret things i do to you to make you my helpless little…

maybe kayte….

......thats totally hot,

7.

ugh! i'm supposed to film that movie beginning tuesday, but i can't even lift my arm. very weird! i think i'll go to the hospital in a little bit.

i'd luv her to see me lying in your arms sucking your pretty tittie...

8.

......well im at work right now  (can you imagine?) so its hard to call back, but i'd luv to: i think i need to be much more "relaxed" when i call you until youve completely broken down my resistance & fear...then i'd happily call you all the time from anywhere :)

oh, my trip to brazil...very freaky.

.....you cut the veins above my ankles & let the blood drip over my trembling toes as your pretty hands tighten around my throat...

9.

well, i understand you being a litle scaredy-cat about calling back, but i know in time you'll need to call me *all* the time. adoration, dependence and sweet addiction will overcome you before long.

&, no, i dont struggle at all, too weak, too submissive, & wanting to be the picture-perfect victim for you...

10.

could tickle your little peepee with the stud, & my speech would be all messed up, & o the little click-click as the stud hit my teeth...

and then there's the night i spent with this ultra-freaky chick named kayte on thursday before coming here. kayte would love us together. i know that 100%. i tell her about you and she gets totally hot hearing about what we're into. she also has a ton of freaky friends.

& oh its so sexy to think you'd be "abusing" me behind the scenes...destroying me...and making me weaker and weaker...and totally dependent on you...

making me your helpless hopeless addict: ruin me!!! make me soooooo sick......

i'd really want you to have my tongue pierced...& my slavemouth

11.

ive been having the most intense fantasies of that: of you drinking my blood every day. sometimes i picture you biting me, and other times cutting me, letting the blood trickle over my skin before licking it and then sucking the wound.

 i'd just lie there with my arms thrown over my head as you positioned me however you wanted & drink from me, bleed me...

…but begin to suspect and whisper about changes in you and how i might be making those changes come about.

12.

oh wow, i just took two codeine tablets about 30 minutes ago and i'm feeling kinda creamy. ha ha, now would be the perfect time for us to talk.

i wish i was splashing around in the babypool where you are. are you in the mood to starve me or fatten me up? would my belly be shrunken or protruding over my diaper & little swimsuit bottoms? :)

...sitting on the floor in my diaper making a messy while you talked to your friends...

13.

i can barely keep my eyes open and i feel kinda "floaty" and dum.

14.

i luv getting thinner & weaker cause of your sexy neglect. oh ...how perfect to feed me xanax so i get too sleepy to fuss over food! how wonderfully sexily dysfunctional!!!

oh well, do call. or if you want i can call. i think i have unlimited weekend minutes. that was a problem before i got this cell phone. for some reason when i changed my home phone company i didnt get long-distance.

...is flying to california in my traveling sissy outfit: overalls rolled up at the ankles, cute pink sleeveless t, & flipflops...

15.

god  i'm just in a completely blah, blah, blah mode right now. i feel really sexy and stupid at the moment. haha. my fingers arent too coordinated right now so i'd better send this. i love you,

o i'd be easy to hook, & very easy to corrupt, & i'd give up very sweetly, i think :) i luv to think of you orgasming at the signs of my dependence...i'd like you to orgasm again & again over my pale addicted-to-you body...

16.

 when i say i have plans for you, i'm serious. hope to hear from you. ciao,

...my ribs and hipbones showing clearly, & my pale arms and legs getting almost twiglike...

your baby literally starving to death in your arms...

17.

 i like the way you cant enunciate at first because your pretty tongue is swollen. then the lisp with the little clicking of the stud against your teeth. oooo! orgasmically hot!!!

18.

hi cutie,

so yes, i told kayte some of what we talk about and she got really hot. she'd be totally into watching, or more. she's freaky like that. i didn't tell her everything because i like to keep some secrets between you and me.

it turns me on for some reason when people don't know for sure,

19.

i sit in the airport someplace, looking lost, sipping a diet pepsi, so you can have a look at me & if you like me, you approach, drive me to the motel ive reserved...

...and for the next week or 2 you begin my 'breakdown' as your fake-asian-diapered-sissyslave, taking away my resistance, keeping me drunk, drugged, bound, starved, diapered...

 20.

so my shoulder still hurts, but i've gotten some good painkillers that make me feel really dreamy. i emailed the director and told him i couldn't go tomorrow. i'm half-disappointed, because i wanted to be in a movie and maybe make a lot of money from it, but who cares. i'll figure something else out. besides, the script sucked. it seemed like it was written by an eighth grader.

i want to lick it off your pale skin. nearly all my cruel images of you involve blood dripping from you, especially from your toes.

21.

i want to be your pale, bleached, blooded, fake-asian, sissy-slave...

oooo!

22.

so i'm just lying around today, my little arm in a sling, popping vicodin and codeine. yay! :) if you're around, let me know, my diapered, bleach-blonde fake little asian girl. i may not be totally coherent, but i think i can be sexy/fun. kisses,

23.

& you kiss my mouth, frothed with spittle & blood & lipstick, my lips blue, my breath gone...

& my hands lie open & limp at my side...

24.

i'm yours...

25.

maybe i should have a little wine with my vicodin...i like thinking of filling your baba with red wine, seeing you suck it until you're stupid.

i always make little plans to have you out here, then gradually get you hooked on pills. you're so fun/sexy to corrupt. i could orgasm just thinking of you beginning to show little signs of dependence.

mmmmm, that makes me want to suck your sexy toesies.

26.

so that by the time i fly back here im already changed, bleached and pierced, diapered continuously, already yours, & i fly back & forth for a few more sessions until i'm 'done' &

27.

your deepening dependence to me and addiction to my freaky desires makes me so hot!! i have my cell phone with me, if you want to call, i'm out by the pool.  if not, write more and i'll check back here in a little while. you're so much sexier when you crave my attention. love,

28.

i love the thought of you in your cute little bikini weakly splashing around at my feet while i lay in a long chair languidly reading a fashion magazine and drinking red wine.

...uhhhhh...you have me panting, waiting on your emails already :) i'd luv to do things for you & earn your sexy cruelty in return.

…as much as it turns me on to see your body overfed, i think i'd want you your tummy to be shrunken and your delicate ribs starting to get conspicuous.

29.

my shoulder has long since bothered me, but i kinda like the affect of the wine and codeine. sorry, baby,  if i'm too lazy to order out for some food or *gasp* cook it myself, i've taken to just giving you a xanax when you get fussy with hunger.

& you take me closer & closer to the edge each time & one time i'll go over & i never know when...

i'd luv to feel your beautiful hand around my skinny pale throat & feel myself totally at your mercy. i would luv to feel your teeth marks all over my white flesh...

30.

you're the best kind of slave. i can make you do things for me, or i can be sweetly cruel and do all kinds of sexy, destructive things to you. such a hot little plaything you are. hope you're not saddled with too much responsibility at work today...i have a feeling you won't be able to handle it. smoochies,

31.

ive barely eaten for a week or so, following a special diet youve put me on to "get me ready," sending you photos of me by internet...

my life is completely yours...

32.

...i'm spaced-out a bit on xanax...

33.

i definitely not proud of this, but i can't help but be turned on by the thought of making you my pretty little addict. you wouldn't even realize fully what i was doing to you until it was too late and you were completely hooked. i have twisted little fantasies like that.

...its silly, huh, me acting all 'growed up?' i know it could be pretty simple to become totally dependent on you. i think that was more or less about to happen when we talked last time. god, i was really far gone that day!!

34.

that's sooooo weird that you said this...i was thinking exactly the same thing…

35.

what a yummy image of you lounging by the pool reading fashion magazines & sipping wine while i splash around!

… i like biting you and all this talk of cruelty made me want to taste your blood, cut you or bite you hard. i just love the thought of your blood on my lips.

36.

now you've planted the thought of my soft hands tightening around your slender throat. too hot!! i love that you gasp, but you're too weak and submissive to struggle, your lips blue beneath the sensuous red lipstick.

37.

i wish i could feed you with my blood!!!

38.

& i luv you totally!

39.

xxxxx

40.

...thats what im dreaming of now...


(This piece is based on a long-running series of internet chats that I had with a dominant t-girl named Cyndy. We never met—primarily because I was too frightened that she might be unstable—an ironic &  arguably unfair assessment inasmuch as I was an enthusiastic & active participant in these dark fantasies—albeit as the victim—& I don't consider myself any more unstable than the next person. There was also an entire country between us making a real life meeting problematic. Yet even when I was in California for several weeks in the early 2000s & staying only 50 or so miles away from where Cyndy was living I still chickened out of her proposed meeting. One of the few things I regret not doing in life.)

 Cyndy, wherever you are now xoxo. Without you, I'd never be where I am now, which is to say, I'd never have become myself or found happiness & love. You'll always have a place in my heart.