Thursday, August 31, 2017

I look at this picture & I think "yuck!"
Then I think, "ok, it's really not so bad."
Then I think "yuck!"
Then I think "its okay. I'm not wearing any makeup or anything and I just got out of bed. What do you expect?"

Then I think, "Well makeup wouldn't change things appreciably! Unless you put it on thick as a mask! You're still you! Lipstick on a pig, etc."
Then I think, "But still….give me a break! All in all..."
Then I think "No...yuck! i'm hideous!"
Then I think, "oh come on, surely not hideous!"
Then I think, "but still yuck. look at that stupid, glimpy look on your face!"
Then I think, "well, alright, but my body isn't bad, all considered."
Then I think, "Could be THINNER!"
Then I think, "Alright, I'll eat less today."
Then I think, "Oh right! You're always hungry as it is!"
Then I think, "so what do you want me to do anyway?"
Then I think, "Drop dead & be born as someone else. Or better yet, don't be born again at all."
Then I think, "That's news to me? Any suggestions on how to go about that?"
Then I think, "You're so fucking smart, you figure it out!"
Then I think, "I thought so, nothing but criticism, not one solution to anything."
Then I think, "How about you just fucking shutting up once and for all? How about you not posting your stupid photos?"
Then I think, "Well maybe I won't! Maybe I'll take it down!"
Then I think, "What are you waiting for then?"
Then I think, "I already took it down."
Then I think, "but you put it right back up!"
Then I think, "But I could take it down again."
Then I think, "So do it."
Then I think, "I did!"
Then I think, "It's still here!"
Then I think, "For now!"

Then I think, "What's it here for anyway?"
Then I think, "It's an example."
Then I think, "An example?! An example of what?!"
Then I think, "I don't know." 
Then I think, "Exhibitionist! Crier out for attention!"
Then I think, "Maybe….maybe…maybe it's something else."
Then I think, "What? I'm waiting! Pray tell."
Then I think, "Acceptance? Maybe? A need to say, 'this is me, after hiding so long?' Maybe it's something like performance art? Performing my life through an artistic medium to give it a meaning?"
Then I think, "A meaning? What meaning would that be? You don't believe life has a meaning, so you say."
Then I think, "Well it doesn't."
Then I think, "So what you're saying doesn't make any sense."
Then I think, "No. Didn't I just agree life has no meaning?"
Then I think, "You're cracked."
Then I think, "Who isn't?"
Then I think, "So there's not much point even discussing anything with you, is there?"
Then I think, "No, not really."
Then I think, "So why are we?"
Then I think, "We're really just talking to ourselves. People do it all the time. Talk to themselves. Sing to themselves. You might as well ask them why."
Then I think, "So are you going to take this picture down or not?"
Then I think, "Maybe. Probably not. Who knows?"
Then I think, "I'm going to go take a shower."
Then I think, "Me too."


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