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| because i need you to hurt me... |
When I was still working, he would often leave very visible bruises and hickeys on my neck and throat. He would kiss me roughly in his car while we were waiting for the bus and before I got out make sure I was wearing an imprint of his mouth—a token of his ownership.
Already, back at my apartment, I would have given him a blow job. Daddy would finish in my mouth but he would pull out a little beforehand so he could spurt cum on my face. He would also have me rub his balls all over my cheeks and shove my head into his crotch. I would be forbidden to wash off his strong, musky sex- scent and I would wear it for the rest of the day. Every once in a while I would catch a whiff of it in my hair, my bangs falling over my eyes.
God only knows what the person sitting next to me on the bus might have thought, or my colleagues at work, who'd already seen the dramatic changes taking place in my body and wardrobe. I couldn't have cared less what they or anyone thought. By that time, I thoroughly belonged to Daddy and his opinion was all that mattered to me.
This is how you mark a person as yours. This is how you own a person like me.
I love Daddy. I belong to him. He can do to me anything he wants.
Yes, anything.
Your coworkers have seen your dramatic changes? Did you work at the same company since before your transition?
ReplyDeleteThey saw it. I no longer work there. My last day was the best of my entire working career. I showed up to clean out my office in a miniskirt, heels, and my boyfriend (now husband) at my side with his arm protectively around my waist. He's the kind of guy no one ever saw in that office before. Huge, tattooed, bearded, muscled. No one said peep one. My very last act was to kneel on the floor and give my boyfriend a blow job as he sat in my old chair in my soon-to-be ex office. A great big fuck you to the past. Like I said, it was the best day I ever spent at work and one of the five best days of my life. I was out—forever.
ReplyDeleteYes, I worked there the whole time as I transitioned. The company was in the midst of a draconian downsizing so people had more important things to worry about than what was up with me. On top of that, I was growing more and more withdrawn, detaching myself from everyone and everything I'd known before. People felt awkward around me and I did nothing to make them feel more comfortable. Why should I? They were nothing to me. It was all artificial, all a lie, all part of a past life I was abandoning. Already in the elevator on floors where people didn't know me, guys were holding the door open for me and saying "after you miss." At that point all i was doing was wearing girl jeans, girl tops, and my hair in a ponytail. Nothing dramatic. Whatever my boss and colleagues thought, I have no idea. And I didn't care. The person those people use to know was a cypher, a simulation, a false persona. Fading away. Dying before their eyes.
I knew I was going to leave there soon one way or another; in fact I was hoping they'd lay me off. But it took them 2 years to get around to it! I wonder sometimes if they thought I was going to bring suit for gender discrimination? They gave me a fairly generous severance package.
When you truly don't give a shit about anything, you can make some astounding changes in your life.
Thanks for the detailed answer. Regardless of who I am though, I would feel it's important to still be friendly to people, because they are still human beings whether or not I'm a girl or boy. However, being awkward doesn't equate to not being friendly.
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm sorry. But in the midst of trying to make a great change in one's life, especially when doing it under everyone's nose, I've found that other people are not your "friends." They don't want you to change. It threatens the stability of their own lives and world. Society is, by its very nature, a coercive, conditioning, conservative force that does its best to smother change and institute compliance; it is antagonistic to change of any kind other than change of which it approves and at any pace other than its own. I would have wasted so much time and energy trying to "explain" myself to others that not enough would have been left over to apply to the actual change itself. That is precisely society's role in conditioning us to be be "friendly" to others.
DeleteFor me, living largely outside of society since I was a small child, thrown back on myself, quiet, small, terrorized and abused, largely friendless, I learned to survive without others, to supply my own nurturance and support, and not to expect much in the way of encouragement and help from those around me. Indeed, I learned to fear others. I learned that to do what I wanted I had to do it quickly, quietly, and decisively if I hoped to do it at all. Other people were obstacles and often dangerous ones.
To me, other people were not "friends" and friendliness was often an invitation to further abuse, repression, and punishment.
That your life has taught you that you have some kind of debt or obligation to be friendly, to explain yourself to others, tells me that you feel you have a place in society. That is not something I've ever felt. And looking at society from outside it as I still do, it's not something I want now.
I stay away from people whenever I can. I don't hate them, as Charles Bukowski says, I just feel better when they aren't around. My husband does a good job of protecting me like the property I am. No one touches me, no one hurts me; he sees to that, and for that, among so many other reasons, I love him as much as life itself.
I always try to treat others as human beings, if simply as a matter of good policy. But what does it really mean to treat others as human beings? I'm always baffled when I hear someone say that. Most people don't act like "human beings" at all unless we mean creatures as rude, self-centered, intolerant, ignorant, bigoted, hypocritical, violent, and hateful as the everyday news and human history suggest.
So let's say that I generally try to treat people as better than if they were "human beings" and at the same time run away from them as if they were human.